New Jobs

Adam had to come back off work. When he went to see the doctor he didn't think they were doing him a favour putting him a different department where he was sitting down all the time doing close work. He said it was the worse thing they could've done. Looks like it was a ploy to get rid of him. Anyway the doctor signed him off straight away and we decided it was best if he gave up altogether and I went back to work. The first job I came across I got an interview within half an hour of emailing my CV. I went for the interview at Gemini Dispersions and found it a really close knit friendly firm. Was the only one suitable out of over 20 applicants and was called back for a 2nd interview to meet the team. Mike took me round the factory and I met more or less every employee working there. Most of them had been there at least 15 years or more. Anyway he said I'd got the job if I still wanted it. Turns out I get 36 days holiday. Thought originally it was only 28 days but that didn't include statutory days.

Adam's in training now to be a househusband. He's doing really well. He'll probably end up doing it better than me. He's had a couple of rough days just lately with his depression but the doctor has changed his medication back to Fluoxetine on request. It takes 3 weeks for the medication to take effect so he's bound to take a turn for the worse until the drugs kick in.

Back to Work

Adam's back at work.  He went to see the doctor on the the 23rd May, with the intention of being honest about the previous 4 weeks but also to tell him he thought he was ready for work.  With last week being a short week, because of the bank holiday and that Adam only works a half day on Friday, he thought it would be advantageous to go back that week.  The doctor agreed and said it was a good idea.  He's told him to come back in 4 weeks to see how he's got on.

The first day was pretty dire, although he did get through without feeling the need to come home.  During the rest of the week he improved gradually and then took another backwards step on Friday which wasn't as bad as the first day and the bonus was coming home at dinnertime.  He needs to change jobs and should have done it ages ago.  He's never been happy there and to put up with what he's had to from his bosses then it's no wonder he's buckled under the stress.  Adam heard a host on UCB radio talk about her husband being recently made redundant and mentioned about how important it is to be happy in your work.  If you know you're never going to be happy there then get out!  She said you spend approximately 70% of your time at work and it can be detrimental health-wise if you stop in a job you're really not happy in.

Adam's thought of being a Postman and wanted to do this when he left school but nothing came up.  So he's going to try for that if something suitable arises, as there doesn't seem to be many hours in it.  25 hours seems to be the norm.  Working with people is what he needs to do.  There appear to be that sort of work on the Lancashire County Council website, like Support Workers for people with learning difficulties or those with mental health problems or being a care worker in a children's home.

He needs to settle back into work first before he begins to think about applying.  Let's just take one step at a time.

It's nice to be back into a normal routine again.  I love having Adam at home but when he's at home with this you spend most of your time counselling and talking about his illness.

He must be feeling better because tonight St Leonard's started a fresh youth program for years 6-10 and he felt able to go up and help out.  It will do him good and will educate him in how to reach that age.  Plus I think it's better if there are both male and female helpers.

Tried a new run today - Stepping stones and up round Ightenhill.  Was about 4.5 miles.  Really enjoyed it although bit of a struggle up the hill from the Stepping Stones bridge.  It took me 55 mins with a maximum heart rate of 136, which is within range.

Katrina's Baptism

Yesterday went to see Katrina get baptised.  She attends Hope church in Bangor which is a small fellowship that meets in a school.  For baptisms they either use a brook belonging to a garden centre in Caenarvon or if it's too wet as it has been lately they borrow the baptistry of a chapel close to the university.  There were just Katrina and another girl who was finishing university that month called Sara.  She was from Belgium and her parents had driven up to see her get baptised and to collect some of her belongings to take home.  It was a lovely service at the church and at the baptism.  A visiting preacher was speaking.  He was called Andy Barclay-Watt who was from South Manchester Christian Fellowship.  He originally planted the church from Caernarvon Pentecostal Church.  He spoke from Acts 16 about what commitments Paul made in his ministry. 

1. Paul was committed to working as a team - as he took Silas with him firstly to Derbe and then to Lystra where Timothy joins them.
2. He was committed to following God's leading - Doors were closed v7 "the Spirit of Jesus would not allow them to " go in to Bithynia and Paul's dream revealed to them where God wanted them to go, v9 "During the night Paul had a vision of a man of Macedonia standing and begging him, "Come over to Macedonia and help us."".
3. He was committed to sharing the gospel - v13 "On the Sabbath we went outside the city gate to the river, where we expected to find a place of prayer.  We sat down and began to speak to the women who had gathered there."
4. They were committed to relying on God - v14 "The Lord opened her heart to respond to Paul's message."  God had changed her heart not Paul.
5. They were committed to sharing of lives - v15 "When she and the members of her household were baptised, she invited us to her home."  Living faith.

At the chapel Katrina gave a really moving testimony of how she came to the decision to be baptised and she was moved to tears when she was telling us.  Terry helped baptise her with another girl from the church.  I always find baptisms really exciting and moving to watch.  Not the same with confirmations.

Quite a few of us went to watch.  Of course Terry was there, he'd been camping and fishing in Llandudno the day before.  So he hadn't far to travel on the Sunday.  Theresa couldn't make it due to Daniel not being well enough to travel.  I took my mum, Catherine, Stephen and Heather came and Michael brought Paulina and her baby.  Katrina knew about me and Catherine but she didn't know about Michael.  She was really pleased we'd all gone to support her.

Afterwards they put a lunch on for us all.  It was really lovely.

Early Morning Jog

Last night Isaac was bothered with his teeth and woke at 9pm and 4.30am.  The first wakening I brought him downstairs for a little while to allow the Calpol to kick in and then took him back to bed.  He then settled quite well.  At 4.30 I brought him in with us as at that time his crying would probably waken the others and it would be like flogging a dead horse.  He cuddled up and then went back to sleep.  The problem was I didn't!  I tossed and turned until about 5.30 and decided in the end to get up and use the opportunity to go for a run.  I hadn't been since we went to Spring Harvest with illness and other events preventing me so.  Last time I went round the Trapp, which is about 4.5 miles long and takes you up Slade Lane, across Whins Lane, down Trapp Lane and back up Whalley Road to home.  I nearly killed myself doing that the first time as I sprinted the last 100m and sent my heart rate above it's recommended maximum rate.  This time I went along Blackburn Road, up Simonstone Lane and back up Whalley Road, which was 4.3 miles.  I thought I wouldn't go as far this time with not having been for a couple of weeks but was unaware at the time how far it actually was.  Fortunately, I didn't sprint the end.  I don't think I could have done if I wanted.  I nearly stopped a few times along the way.  I managed it in the end but was reduced to almost walking pace.  It took me about 45mins.

Distances for runs:

Round Main Gas factories 1.5 miles 15mins

Brookfoot 2.5 miles

Higher Whittaker Farm 3 miles 30mins

Stepping Stones 4 miles

Habergham 4 miles

Simonstone 4.3 miles 45mins

Trapp 4.6 miles 52mins

Read & Trapp 5.6 miles

Red Rock & Higham 6.5 miles

Space Centre

Was invited today by Christy Walsh to a pre-booked session at the Space Centre which is located inside the Park Child and Family Centre in Accrington.  I met Christy at a course run by the Surestart centre in Clayton.  The course was about play and development and we all had a great time talking about probably anything but play and development.  I then started seeing Christy at the mums and tots at Altham School and we got on really well.  I've found the group that attend this mums and tots really friendly and inclusive.  You always get cliques wherever you go but the problem only comes when outsiders or newcomers aren't included.  They've invited me with their group to several occasions when they've met together and they've been a really friendly bunch.

The Space Centre is a lovely relaxing place for babies and toddlers, with it's lights and sounds and soothing music.  It has a really laid back atmosphere.  The lighting is set quite low so a few of the children were a little afraid to go in and were clingy and unsure at first.  There were optical fibres, bubble pipes with lights and little light rooms where buttons could change the colours, patterns or sounds.  Isaac enjoyed the deep ball pool with a ball shower.  Balls were put into this trough where a pipe sucked the balls up into a box above then periodically the box would empty showering the balls back into the pool.  Then up some soft play stairs there were some soft climbing cushions and another light and sound room and then a soft slide to take you back downstairs.

It costs £10 to hire the room plus £25 deposit in case of breakages.  Up to 20 or 25 children can be invited to use the facility.  Not bad value really if you get enough people to go.  There were 7 adults today and it worked out approximately £1 each.

For futute reference, to get there you go down Dill Hall Lane and pass Queens Road West on your left followed by Regent Road.  The next left directs you to the Park Child and Family Centre which is Buckingham Grove.  Left at the end and then first right down Norfolk Grove.

Living with Depression

Adam's now been off work for 16 weeks, 6 of those were due to an accident at work and the remainder was for depression.  The only reasonable explanations for why he had this breakdown is firstly the shock of the accident and then also that he is vulnerable to it being one of low self-esteem and confidence and that he has had an episode before.  there is usually a combination of events or reasons why this occurs.  Most people don't seem to be able to pinpoint it down to one sole reason.

The accident wasn't serious but I think the nature in which it happened was such a shock he got what I can only think of was post-traumatic shock.  I wanted to record how the illness had affected us as a family and to keep a record for either future occurrences or as an aid to help someone else suffering.

The symptoms shown were typical of clinical depression.

• persistent sadness, anxiousness or 'empty' mood
• loss of appetite
• insomnia, early wakening or oversleeping (the oversleeping came later in the episode)
• restlessness and irritability (Adam wasn't too bad irritability wise but he would be more short-tempered with the children)
• feelings of worthlessness, inappropriate guilt, helplessness
• feelings of hopelessness, pessimism
• difficulty thinking, concentrating, remembering or making decisions
• loss of interest or pleasure in interests or hobbies and activities that were once enjoyed (Adam loves walking and keeping up to date with football and cricket and all these he lost interest in)
• withdrawal from social situations, family and friends (Adam never totally withdrew from society, although it required a real effort from himself to attend social gatherings particularly with friends or family and then would force a "brave face")
• decreased energy, fatigue, feeling "slowed down" or sluggish
• persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment Adam would occasionally get tension headaches, which I suppose were a result of mental strain.  They weren't overtly persistent though)
  

Other symptoms that weren't portrayed were -

• weight loss or conversely overeating and weight gain
• thoughts of death or suicide or attempts of suicide

The first signs that Adam was showing symptoms of depression was about 5 weeks after the accident.  His parents were visiting that Sunday and the weather was pleasant enough to suggest taking the children to the park.  Adam would usually jump at any chance to be outside when it's sunny but this time he seemed reluctant and nearly gave back word saying he was tired.  He remembers feeling it was out of character at the time.  This happened just a week before he was due back at work.  Come Thursday and more of the symptoms were prevalent.  He began feeling heavy and had his first emotional outburst.  When we talked it over we deliberated whether he should go back to the doctor or to see  how he went on going back to work.  But then on the Friday he had another outburst and was feeling worse.  We decided it was best to go back to the doctor rather than return to work and risk him being worse than ever.  He saw Dr Savage and he found her really understanding.  She suggested him trying without medication for a couple of weeks and see how he went on.  He had been on Fluoxetine on a previous occasion but we were keen to see if we could get through this without medication.  She signed him off work another 2 weeks.

When he had to go back to see Dr Milne, his own doctor, he signed him off again for another two weeks and under Adam's suggestion try without the medication.  He didn't seem to improve much.  He was having emotional outbursts everyday and his mood seemed to swing between very low days followed by quite elated ones.  On the next visit to the doctors Dr Milne decided it would be best if he tried medication.  When Adam was on the Fluoxetine he just seemed really fatigued and a bit doped all the time and yes he was stable, but it was a constant dull low level.  So, this time Dr Milne suggested trying a different anti-depressant called Citalopram.  I looked up about it and found it was in the same family of anti-depressants as Fluoxetine but may react differently on Adam.  The most common side-effects were different.  Reading different people's experiences of Fluoxetine I found many of them seemed to experience the same reaction as Adam, with extreme fatigue and a doped feeling.  With the Citalopram most seemed to experience insomnia, which wasn't very encouraging.  I think I'd rather want to sleep all the time than have the inability to do so.  Adam did start experiencing insomnia during his first week on this drug (20mg)  but I read that someone who had been on it only experienced insomnia during the first couple of weeks and then it seemed to settle down.  It was as if the body had to get used to it.  Well Adam's insomnia did settle down just less than a week into taking the drug.  The general advice about anti-depressants is that they usually take 3-6 weeks to take effect, which sounds an eternity if you are feeling so low, but with Adam his emotional outbursts stopped immediately after starting on the drug and he did seem to stabilise quite quickly.  It is very true what they say about most forms of depression that it's 2 steps forward and 1 step back.  For the next 4 weeks there was a considerable improvement from the previous 4 weeks but then it seemed to plateau and the improvements seemed minuscule.  You would feel he wasn't far off getting back to work and then he would take a set back, like a roller coaster ride.  The last two weeks he has seemed much better and when he went to the doctor today he felt he was ready to go back to work.  He only had one day with an emotional outburst and one other day where he woke up feeling a bit heavy with that nervous feeling in his stomach during the last two weeks.  The doctor asked him how would he feel if he had to send him back to work tomorrow and Adam told him what I'd asked him on that day he was feeling low on.  He'd said that previously when he was having a bad day he knew he couldn't return to work, but on the day I asked him he felt he could work despite the low feeling he had.  The doctor said that he wasn't just right yet and said he would give him another 4 weeks off.  He said it sounds as if the Citalopram was beginning to stabilise him and that it was up to Adam when he felt he was ready to go back.  Dr Milne knew Adam had a great desire to return to work and knew he could trust him to make the decision himself when he felt he was ready.  He said if over the course of the next 4 weeks he felt ready to return then he  would supply him with a return to work form.

As I have lived with some form of depression most of my life, my dad having manic depression, it meant I had valuable experience and understanding when Adam had his episode.  Of course the two conditions are very different but there are similarities in the depressive symptoms and the handling as such.  "Understanding" - a funny word when it comes to depression as I don't think anybody really understands what's going on inside their minds.  The reasons why it occurs, is it preventable? is it curable?  Clinical depression certainly isn't cured by "pull yourself together" treatment.  As my mum always says about my dad, the thing they would pull themselves together with is what is poorly.  She has lived with severe manic depression all her married life, 54 years, during a time when there was no tolerance or understanding by the medical profession.  My dad has had it since he was 16 and now he is 80 years old.  There were many times when he had to come off work because of it and when he went to the doctor to sign him off he was told to get back to work and "pull yourself together".  He would go back and obviously found it impossible to work and would come off again.  Often they were living off three days pay a week and my dad not getting any better, with no medication and circumstances that just exacerbated it.  They had 4 young children at the time and were robbing Peter to pay Paul to try to make ends meet.  Eventually the doctor would sign him off but then they would be waiting two weeks before any money came through for state sick pay.

My mum tells of well meaning people in an attempt to be concerned ask questions that just imply they don't understand.  You get weary of the questions of "Is it because he's frightened of returning to work?" or "What's he got to feel guilty about, he's a wonderful father and husband"  They don't realise that the guilt is a result of the depression not the other way round.

Being a Christian also brings different opinions from other Christians.  How can a Christian have depression if he's really got a close relationship with the Lord.  Your faith and trust in God is continually called into question.  They can't accept it's a clinical condition not spiritual depression.  Advice of "Cast your care on God..." and "Don't be anxious about anything.." or "Put aside your fears..."  These are all excellent pieces of advice if the condition is Spiritual Depression.  BUT IT ISN'T!!!  There is nothing wrong with Adam's faith or trust in God.  I live with him and can see that with my own eyes.  He trusted God before this happened, he trusted him through the illness and will continue to do so after he is better.  Adam is casting his care on God, the real Adam isn't extraordinarily anxious about anything.  When will they realise that it's the depression that brings guilt, fear, hopelessness.  If anybody wants to encourage him tell him to continue to believe and trust in God, don't accuse him of not doing.

Now I've got that off my chest -

Thank you God for whatever circumstances you allow us to go through, because there's always a reason why.  Even if it is only to help others that are going through the same circumstances.  That's what you mean when in James 1:2-3 you say "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance."  This doesn't mean we should go around with a false smile or a sadistic sense of joy at the trials.  It means there's a higher purpose, a bigger picture, why You allow us to go through them in the first place.

Thank you for your faithfulness, you've been with us all the way through.  Like the Footsteps on the beach, when there were only one set of prints it was then when You were carrying us.

New Shoes!

Was just recalling an instance just before the wedding on Saturday.  With Adam being off work long term, now being about 14 weeks we are a bit strap for cash, not struggling just need to be careful how we spend.  Being in this situation causes you to lean more on the caring shoulder of the Lord and it's usually during these times that you see more of His hand on your life.  I went down Burnley, last Thursday I think, for a couple of things.  One of these was to get a shoe fitting check for Isaac.  I was holding on as long as I could, hoping that Adam would happen be back at work before I needed to buy new shoes for him.  Anyway I went thinking it would be nice if he had some new ones for the wedding to wear with his suit.  After the lady measured his feet, and it was found he'd gone up a whole size, she brought a range of shoes in his size similar to the ones he was wearing, as I'd specified.  She brought 3 pairs, two of them were beige or browny in colour which were too similar to the ones he had and the third pair were red.  I was drawn to these ones being quite different in colour to what I was in habit of buying.  So I suggested to try these on.  As she was opening up the shoe I noticed a sale sticker inside which said £12.  As these shoes are usually around £26-28 that was quite a reduction in price, so I questioned her to confirm this.  I hadn't chosen the shoes because of the sale price I chose them because I liked them.  The shop assistant said they must have been what was left over from the sale and somehow have slipped back into the stock room at the back of the shop with the other shoes.  She then said to Isaac, "These shoes were meant for you"  which at the time I thought rather strange.  Then when we got to the till she scanned the shoes and found they were reduced again to £10.  Following this again she said to Isaac, "These shoes were meant for you".  I always think when something out of character that seems to have been said out of the blue and then said TWICE is particularly from God.  When I told Adam he was reminded of when Joseph was interpreting Pharoah's  two dreams of the seven heads of grain and the seven cows. Joseph said to Pharoah in Genesis 41:32 "The reason the dream was given to Pharoah in two forms is that the matter has been firmly decided by God, and God will do it soon."

Thank you Lord for your timely provision and caring hand.

Natalie's Wedding

Had a really great day on Saturday.  Went to Natalie and Tim's wedding.  She looked beautiful and Heather was a bridesmaid, she almost outshone the bride.  The weather was extremely cold though for the time of year.

They were married at Tim's church where his dad is the vicar, the Reverend Canon Simon Cox.  The church being All Hallows, Bispham.  A lovely little church on the outskirts of Blackpool.  Tim's dad married them, and Tim's friend Gordon Warren gave the address.  The reception afterwards was at the Savoy Hotel in Blackpool.  It was a lovely venue, the staff were friendly and the food was great.  The only problem with weddings is if you have young children in tow.  You miss most of the service with trying to keep them quiet and you miss catching up with family with chasing a 19 month little boy round the hotel keeping him out of trouble.  The children thoroughly enjoyed the day though.  They loved dressing up in suits and then getting to know their older cousins who they don't see very often.

The highlights of the day for me were I think my nephew Nathan turning up with his Gothic black hair and tight black pants, the epitomy of non-conformism, in the nicest sense of the word.  He doesn't care what anybody thinks.  He says what he thinks without a thought for the consequences.  He's great!  And the second highlight has got to have been meeting Karina from Finland for the first time.  You always build up a preconception of what somebody is like before meeting them, particularly when all you have seen of them is photos and she ws nowhere near like what I expected her to be.  She was absolutely marvelous.  Bubbily doesn't express enough in words what she is like.  She was given the job of making sure photos were taken of every guest, using words like "paprika" and "macaroni" instead of the conventional "cheese"to make people smile for the photos.  I believe she took more than 500 by the end of the day.  She was just one big bundle of fun, and that was without drink.  I don't think I've ever met anybody like her in my life.

Continuing on from the reception was the "night-do" which was a Ceilidh dance.  Adam went home just after the reception with the children as they'd had enough and were ready for bed.  I stopped so I could take my mum and dad home.  The band was very good but their sound system was naff.

Here are some photos of the day:

Tim and Nat, Michael and Veronica

Tim & Nat with Tim's Parents, Simon & Diane

Adam and I, Daniel Joshua & Isaac

My sister Catherine with Heather

Back row from left: Nathan, Katrina, Michael,

Veronica, Terry, Natalie, Catherine, Aunty Jacky

Front row: Me and Karina!

Spring Harvest Blues

Just got back from Spring Harvest Skegness 2008 yesterday and I'm absolutely shattered.  There's so much to take in.  This was my 3rd time there and it's been another great year.  With having young children our schedule there goes mainly around them.  So we were at all the All-Age Celebrations and whilst they were in their individual meetings Adam and I went to the Big Encounter where Pete Broadbent was the speaker.  I just love listening to him, he brings depth of understanding to the bible passages without it being too intellectual and going over your head.  We alternated going to the evening celebrations, which wasn't too bad as you could watch the service on the telly in your chalet.

The worship again was excellent, with Sue Rinaldi and Andy Booth.  I haven't seen Sue Rinaldi since I was a teenager and was well into "Heartbeat", and I really enjoyed her worship leading.  Andy Booth I've never heard of before but he was really good too.  I've particularly enjoyed reading his blog.  He's written a really interesting write up of each day he was at SH.  It's interesting seeing SH from his point of view.

Just spent today chilling out and relaxing.  Adam's still off work and the doctor's signed him off for another two weeks.  The theme at SH being One Hope really blessed us at this time.  It was weird how the topic spoke right into our circumstances.

Going to watch "Joseph" with Adam now.

Night night